I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
