I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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