are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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