Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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