I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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