I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
