She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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