It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize