I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
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