someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
