Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
