It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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