I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
