if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you never un-have a 4some
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
