I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
