She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
