That's when you crack a 10am beer
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
