He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
