Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
