i already hear my dad disowning me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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