We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
