I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
