i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
