She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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