My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
