im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize