i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
