omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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