$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
