My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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