Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
