Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
