Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
