i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
