I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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