I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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