My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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