are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
