Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
