My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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