The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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