walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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