I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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