Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
