I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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