life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's blow job season.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
