During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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