Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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