and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
