I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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