Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
