my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
