I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
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I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
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From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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