My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
