I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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