He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
